The HUMANITIES Testing Center Experience
Welcome one and all to the NEW Humanities Testing Center – it is located down in room B153 of the new JFSB (Joseph Fielding Smith Building) and has some wonderful, marvelous new features and rules of which you are yet to be aware. These features are truly fantastic, and cannot be discovered by merely reading the rules on the front door. The first and most important rule is, and we quote, “Students are NOT allowed to leave the room until their test is finished.” We know that this is a true new feature because we witnessed this event, not just once, but twice, when two different students went up to the front desk and asked calmly, “May I go to the restroom?”, to which the attendant responded each time with the above quote.
We realize completely that the front desk attendant is not allowed to break the rules; he (or she) is merely there to enforce them. The manner in which he (or she) replied was not rude in the least, however the look on the faces of the students who asked the question was one which spoke volumes, and which even a person with 20/4000 vision who had forgotten their glasses that day, could tell said, “How the crud am I supposed to finish this test when I have one hour left, and my bladder is SCREAMING for relief?”
And indeed, how is one supposed to do well in their academic endeavors, with all of that pain occurring while at the same trying to write an essay on how the bubonic plague has greatly influenced modern polka music? Have you ever tried to do anything useful while having to go to the bathroom before? Heck, people aren’t even capable of reading The Cat in the Hat when the urge to use the restroom hits.
This leads us to conclude that this must be some way of further testing the student body’s intellectual growth, in that they must be capable of performing great feats of intelligence while enduring immense pain. What will come next? Will the Humanities Testing Center start to administer electric shocks at random intervals? Or put thumb screws on our big toes if we don’t finish the test within 15 minutes? Or maybe the only way we can give our answer is by typing it on a keyboard placed at the bottom of a 15 foot deep pool?
Of course, we realize that this rule was actually put in place to keep students from cheating. We wish to propose other methods to help keep students from cheating. #1: it is entirely possible that students have and will continue to write answers on easily exposable body parts, such as perhaps the kneecap, forearm, bicep, calf, or belly button. In order to prevent this we should be required to put on a special Humanities Testing Center Jumpsuit, similar in construction to those environmental protection jumpsuits, and then the zippers will be padlocked to prevent the removal thereof. If that is not plausible, then we propose that the computer engineering department develop a special set of ‘Humanities Testing Center Computer Goggles’ which will completely envelop the eyes, so that no person may look in any direction besides directly at the test.
#2: In order to prevent any student from possibly breaking the Honor Code and attempting to cheat, a full-body search of each student will be conducted in order to detect any items that can or may influence a person’s answer in any manner. This includes family photos found in wallets, which may possibly be used to give a visually symbolic clue to the student and will somehow tell them, word for word, that Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1450 and that BYU special collections has a copy of a Bible printed on it that is worth around $53,016.23.
#3 – Trust that when a student says they need to use the restroom, they are stating that they are obeying the honor code, and will in no way cheat when they use the restroom. Or if this isn’t good enough, build a restroom that is directly connected to the Humanities Testing Center. Or perhaps tell the students about the rule beforehand so that, similar to hospital surgery procedures, they can go without food and drink for 12 hours before their test, thus preventing any need to use the restroom during the taking of the test.
We realize completely that the front desk attendant is not allowed to break the rules; he (or she) is merely there to enforce them. The manner in which he (or she) replied was not rude in the least, however the look on the faces of the students who asked the question was one which spoke volumes, and which even a person with 20/4000 vision who had forgotten their glasses that day, could tell said, “How the crud am I supposed to finish this test when I have one hour left, and my bladder is SCREAMING for relief?”
And indeed, how is one supposed to do well in their academic endeavors, with all of that pain occurring while at the same trying to write an essay on how the bubonic plague has greatly influenced modern polka music? Have you ever tried to do anything useful while having to go to the bathroom before? Heck, people aren’t even capable of reading The Cat in the Hat when the urge to use the restroom hits.
This leads us to conclude that this must be some way of further testing the student body’s intellectual growth, in that they must be capable of performing great feats of intelligence while enduring immense pain. What will come next? Will the Humanities Testing Center start to administer electric shocks at random intervals? Or put thumb screws on our big toes if we don’t finish the test within 15 minutes? Or maybe the only way we can give our answer is by typing it on a keyboard placed at the bottom of a 15 foot deep pool?
Of course, we realize that this rule was actually put in place to keep students from cheating. We wish to propose other methods to help keep students from cheating. #1: it is entirely possible that students have and will continue to write answers on easily exposable body parts, such as perhaps the kneecap, forearm, bicep, calf, or belly button. In order to prevent this we should be required to put on a special Humanities Testing Center Jumpsuit, similar in construction to those environmental protection jumpsuits, and then the zippers will be padlocked to prevent the removal thereof. If that is not plausible, then we propose that the computer engineering department develop a special set of ‘Humanities Testing Center Computer Goggles’ which will completely envelop the eyes, so that no person may look in any direction besides directly at the test.
#2: In order to prevent any student from possibly breaking the Honor Code and attempting to cheat, a full-body search of each student will be conducted in order to detect any items that can or may influence a person’s answer in any manner. This includes family photos found in wallets, which may possibly be used to give a visually symbolic clue to the student and will somehow tell them, word for word, that Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1450 and that BYU special collections has a copy of a Bible printed on it that is worth around $53,016.23.
#3 – Trust that when a student says they need to use the restroom, they are stating that they are obeying the honor code, and will in no way cheat when they use the restroom. Or if this isn’t good enough, build a restroom that is directly connected to the Humanities Testing Center. Or perhaps tell the students about the rule beforehand so that, similar to hospital surgery procedures, they can go without food and drink for 12 hours before their test, thus preventing any need to use the restroom during the taking of the test.
posted by CT at 8:18 PM
2 Comments:
I'm loving the jumpsuit idea. That would be pretty hot.
I'm with you, there. Quite embarrassing. I wish they'd give you your own room or something so you could take your language tests in peace. I had to take a German test in the old humanities testing center, and I had the great misfortune of taking it when 50 other spanish-speakers were taking a test as well. All of them were talking the whole time, which was very distracting since I was thinking in English, hearing Spanglish (I think they were 101-level), and trying to write in German. Not cool.
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