Dating: The Setup
This week I wish to discuss dating and marriage and BYU's ultimate goal of getting the whole world married. Oh BYU will never come out and directly tell this to you - at least no official person at the university. But every member of every Bishopric of every BYU Ward must go through some secret leadership training which brainwashes the heck out of them until all they can talk about is dating, marriage, and courtship. Seriously - you name a subject - and they WILL work it into a subject on dating. Like video games: "Yes, Kingdom Hearts is an awesome video game, but you know what my favorite game is? The dating game..." or "Doing dishes again, eh? Yes, doing dishes and having them nice and clean to use is truly wonderful, but you know what's even better? Dating!" Eventually with all this talk about dating & the problems that happen therefrom, people (most often girls) get this wonderful idea that they could make the world a happier place by setting up one of their friends with another friend to make them into 'oh such a sweet and perfect couple'.
Setups can occur at any time and place - by any person and for any person. Most often the setup is done by freshly married people. As soon as they get married they lose all experience with the previous dating life they experienced. It doesn't matter if they didn't get married until they were 35, the second they get married, they go through 'Marriage Amnesia" in which they forget everything they ever knew about single life. Single life is as much a blur to them as life before you were 2 years old is a blur to you. All they can remember now is that they're married, and happy, and the WHOLE WORLD should be as happy as they are. So if you don't want to be setup, you should avoid associating with newly married couples until they hit, say, their 10th anniversay. If you do want to be setup though - associate with nothing but married couples. Follow those 2 simples rules and you're set!
I myself have never set up any person at any time. I personally don't feel qualified to make such a judgement for other people. However, the number one rule for setting people up, as far as I can figure out, is that the two people MUST look really similar to each other in order to be compatible. If a guy has red hair he should go out with a girl that has red hair. Midgets (I'm sorry, I mean little people) should date each other. Skinny person with skinny person. Fat people with fat people.
Now you're thinking I'm just being cruel about this last one, but this is totally and 100% true! I am NOT joking around here! I myself am a hefty person. I've been hefty for the past 5 or so years of my life. Back when I was slim I was setup with slim people, but ever since I've become fat - every single person I've been setup with has been fat. People have this mindset where they see 2 fat people (1 guy and 1 girl) and they think, "Hey! He's fat! She's fat! They'd be absolutely PERFECT with each other!" Let me just tell you right here right now: 2 fat people does not necessarily a perfect couple make!
One of my friends didn't believe this until I proved it to him. We went to a party where this girl said she had a friend she wanted to set me up with. "You're perfect for each other!" she said! "You'll make a lovely couple!" "Watch this, I bet she's the fat one. It always is." "No way - they don't do that do they?" "Just watch." And lo and behold it was the chubby one!
My Rule #2 for setups is to NEVER be setup by a member of your immediate family. Your immediate family has no qualms whatsoever with pestering you to death about dating a person they tried to set you up with. They will continually ask you: "Why don't you go out with Susie Johnson(fake name)?" No matter how many valid reasons you give to not go out with that Susie Johnson they will still ask you this everytime you see them, until you get to the point where you would rather hide in your bathroom with the lights off for 6 hours than talk to people and chance broaching that subject.
However, some percentage (0.2%) of setups actually succeed, and on top of that they're a great way to avoid the responsibility and fear that comes from having to call up a girl and inform her of your intentions of asking her out on a date, which subject we will broach tomorrow.
Setups can occur at any time and place - by any person and for any person. Most often the setup is done by freshly married people. As soon as they get married they lose all experience with the previous dating life they experienced. It doesn't matter if they didn't get married until they were 35, the second they get married, they go through 'Marriage Amnesia" in which they forget everything they ever knew about single life. Single life is as much a blur to them as life before you were 2 years old is a blur to you. All they can remember now is that they're married, and happy, and the WHOLE WORLD should be as happy as they are. So if you don't want to be setup, you should avoid associating with newly married couples until they hit, say, their 10th anniversay. If you do want to be setup though - associate with nothing but married couples. Follow those 2 simples rules and you're set!
I myself have never set up any person at any time. I personally don't feel qualified to make such a judgement for other people. However, the number one rule for setting people up, as far as I can figure out, is that the two people MUST look really similar to each other in order to be compatible. If a guy has red hair he should go out with a girl that has red hair. Midgets (I'm sorry, I mean little people) should date each other. Skinny person with skinny person. Fat people with fat people.
Now you're thinking I'm just being cruel about this last one, but this is totally and 100% true! I am NOT joking around here! I myself am a hefty person. I've been hefty for the past 5 or so years of my life. Back when I was slim I was setup with slim people, but ever since I've become fat - every single person I've been setup with has been fat. People have this mindset where they see 2 fat people (1 guy and 1 girl) and they think, "Hey! He's fat! She's fat! They'd be absolutely PERFECT with each other!" Let me just tell you right here right now: 2 fat people does not necessarily a perfect couple make!
One of my friends didn't believe this until I proved it to him. We went to a party where this girl said she had a friend she wanted to set me up with. "You're perfect for each other!" she said! "You'll make a lovely couple!" "Watch this, I bet she's the fat one. It always is." "No way - they don't do that do they?" "Just watch." And lo and behold it was the chubby one!
My Rule #2 for setups is to NEVER be setup by a member of your immediate family. Your immediate family has no qualms whatsoever with pestering you to death about dating a person they tried to set you up with. They will continually ask you: "Why don't you go out with Susie Johnson(fake name)?" No matter how many valid reasons you give to not go out with that Susie Johnson they will still ask you this everytime you see them, until you get to the point where you would rather hide in your bathroom with the lights off for 6 hours than talk to people and chance broaching that subject.
However, some percentage (0.2%) of setups actually succeed, and on top of that they're a great way to avoid the responsibility and fear that comes from having to call up a girl and inform her of your intentions of asking her out on a date, which subject we will broach tomorrow.
posted by CT at 8:33 PM
6 Comments:
"Oh BYU will never come out and directly tell this to you - at least no official person at the university."
I guess Dallin H Oaks isn't official enough? (I know, he didn't say it was BYU's goal to get you married, but he did tell you to knock off your committless lifestyle and date seriously)
Or could the rest of the prophets and apostles who have preached that marriage is ordained of God and something to aspire to just not be "official" enough for you? Even though they do have a hand in the decision making at BYU....
Of course, if the prophets and apostles say it it's definately not a BYU silly policy, it's not even a [insert university name or ward here] silly policy at all....I wonder why you chose to write about it?
Hey anonymous, sorry you took it so seriously - it was a joke. I condone dating - if you get past the first paragraph in the article, you'll notice I was mainly talking about setting people up and not dating in and of itself.
to anon.y.mous: we are discussing the differences between BYU and the Church's policy. No one ever said that the Church hadn't come out pro-dating. BYU hasn't said that their purpose is to be the Lord's Matchmaker. That was the premise, and not even the point of the article. Read and ponder the message before you spout off in percieved offense.
BYU and the Church differ. BYU is not the Church. That's okay. It's okay to criticize BYU. (now say it with me)
The Church also owns the ZCMI mall, does that mean that everything that happens there is of divine authority?
Hmm...the deal is BYU can tell you things that you cannot do, but they can't force you to do other things. Like they can't force somebody to become a Mormon if they aren't one, neither can they force somebody to get married or date. I'm rather positive that would be an illegal official policy, though I'm definitely not a lawyer.
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