Fees: The Ultimate Destiny of Mankind
Preface: This article is supposed to be a good natured ribbing about the increasing of fees. Also, it's meant to apply to the whole world in general, but it focuses on BYU because that's where I have the most recent examples of it occurring.
Many people have noticed that BYU has recently started increasing fees to be paid and adding policies that students must follow this year. This leads us to speculate what the future of BYU will be like.
Imagine that it is the year 2009. A man dressed in a nice Lilac Blue shirt (the official color of BYU has changed once again) walks down past the library, by the Wilk, and has he walks he does his duty. The awesome duty of the BYU Fee Police. They have recently popped up in the last year, designed to help keep students from breaking the honor code by not paying the fees due.
“You there!” He calls, “Yes - YOU! You owe $10.00 for a Light Absorption Fee. Since you are wearing a black shirt you are absorbing more visible light than you are reflecting and thus causing a shortage of light for the rest of us who are wearing clothing lighter than Royal Blue.” “Okay, you caught me, I’m so sorry for trying to get away with this,” he says with chagrin, and delves in his pocket for the money.
On walks the man, “Excuse me,” he says to a passerby, “But we need to collect your Air Usage Fee from you, since you are from Missouri, a state ridden with tobacco smokers, and thus your lungs are constantly polluting our beautiful clean Utah air whereas the lungs of Californians enhance it.”
He walks on, and sees a group of freshmen girls rambling past, taking a lackadaisical stroll. He follows them vigilantly to make sure that the fees they owe are paid. They walk by the HFAC, down by the JKB, go counter-clockwise around the Eyring Science Center for not one, but two loops, and finally stop to rest by the SWKT. “Pardon me ladies,” he says, “But as you are well aware, there is a new Concrete Destruction Fee and since you walked down more than 3 paths, you must pay $6.00 per person for your use of the walkways.”
Everywhere he goes he sees a fee: “Yes sir, you slept on the grass for more than 15 minutes, which caused over 13 blades of grass to die, and much needed maintenance will need to be done to bring it back to proper conditions.” “Ma’am, that will be $8.00 for drinking for more than the allotted 7 seconds from that fountain.” “Sir, you occupied that spot on the Wall by the Library for more than 45 minutes and must, I say MUST, be penalized $4.00 for that.” “Ahem, students, your hair is more than 2 inches long, and since you are Male, we must charge you an Unkempt Appearance Fee of $2.50 per person.” “Christopher Christofferson? I am here to collect your Lengthy Name Fee of $0.50 for every letter over 18 letters, including spaces.” “$4.00 for kissing in public in the presence of single people” “$2.00 for being single” “$40.00 Freshmen Naiveté fee” “30.00 Senior Slacker Syndrome Fee” “3.00 for Talking In The Middle of the Sidewalk In a Group of More than 5 People While Hoards of Other People Try To Walk Past Fee” “5.00 Sneezing Fee” “$50.00 for Being Allowed to Sustain Life Fee”
Ah, what a beautiful thing the future. I can’t wait until it becomes the present.
Many people have noticed that BYU has recently started increasing fees to be paid and adding policies that students must follow this year. This leads us to speculate what the future of BYU will be like.
Imagine that it is the year 2009. A man dressed in a nice Lilac Blue shirt (the official color of BYU has changed once again) walks down past the library, by the Wilk, and has he walks he does his duty. The awesome duty of the BYU Fee Police. They have recently popped up in the last year, designed to help keep students from breaking the honor code by not paying the fees due.
“You there!” He calls, “Yes - YOU! You owe $10.00 for a Light Absorption Fee. Since you are wearing a black shirt you are absorbing more visible light than you are reflecting and thus causing a shortage of light for the rest of us who are wearing clothing lighter than Royal Blue.” “Okay, you caught me, I’m so sorry for trying to get away with this,” he says with chagrin, and delves in his pocket for the money.
On walks the man, “Excuse me,” he says to a passerby, “But we need to collect your Air Usage Fee from you, since you are from Missouri, a state ridden with tobacco smokers, and thus your lungs are constantly polluting our beautiful clean Utah air whereas the lungs of Californians enhance it.”
He walks on, and sees a group of freshmen girls rambling past, taking a lackadaisical stroll. He follows them vigilantly to make sure that the fees they owe are paid. They walk by the HFAC, down by the JKB, go counter-clockwise around the Eyring Science Center for not one, but two loops, and finally stop to rest by the SWKT. “Pardon me ladies,” he says, “But as you are well aware, there is a new Concrete Destruction Fee and since you walked down more than 3 paths, you must pay $6.00 per person for your use of the walkways.”
Everywhere he goes he sees a fee: “Yes sir, you slept on the grass for more than 15 minutes, which caused over 13 blades of grass to die, and much needed maintenance will need to be done to bring it back to proper conditions.” “Ma’am, that will be $8.00 for drinking for more than the allotted 7 seconds from that fountain.” “Sir, you occupied that spot on the Wall by the Library for more than 45 minutes and must, I say MUST, be penalized $4.00 for that.” “Ahem, students, your hair is more than 2 inches long, and since you are Male, we must charge you an Unkempt Appearance Fee of $2.50 per person.” “Christopher Christofferson? I am here to collect your Lengthy Name Fee of $0.50 for every letter over 18 letters, including spaces.” “$4.00 for kissing in public in the presence of single people” “$2.00 for being single” “$40.00 Freshmen Naiveté fee” “30.00 Senior Slacker Syndrome Fee” “3.00 for Talking In The Middle of the Sidewalk In a Group of More than 5 People While Hoards of Other People Try To Walk Past Fee” “5.00 Sneezing Fee” “$50.00 for Being Allowed to Sustain Life Fee”
Ah, what a beautiful thing the future. I can’t wait until it becomes the present.
posted by CT at 9:10 PM
6 Comments:
BYU's fees aren't that bad. Compared to other schools, BYU gives you a lot more for your money. The grounds are amazing and the buildings are clean and beautiful. The computer labs are huge and someone is always there to help you. At the U things are run down, tuition is much higher and the buildings and grounds are lacking in care. Be grateful for what you have. I enjoyed your comments though.
Well, I was referring to strange fees that they've put in place recently. Please see my 'Updating Your Personal Information' Article for more illumination.
“3.00 for Talking In The Middle of the Sidewalk In a Group of More than 5 People While Hoards of Other People Try To Walk Past Fee”
This should be a much higher fee. Like $50.00 and all your ramen and your first-born child. Or at least a good whack on the back of the head. It should also include stopping to talk with one other person in the middle of that sidewalk by the FOB before they finished construction and thousands of sheep were trying to get to class via that 3-foot-wide sidewalk.
/rant
Heh, I spelled my own name wrong. (Although, you have to give me some credit because the i and the u are rather close together on the keyboard)
But one other thing:
To "anonymous": CandidBYU still has the right to his own opinion without being told he is "ungrateful." That is the Mormon cop-out when you don't agree with someone else's opinions. Come up with something real.
You come up with something real!!! How do you know I'm Mormon? Maybe I'm Jewish? Maybe I'm an atheist? Maybe I'm not even real...
OK anonymous (or my Loving Sibling Who Is Not Dried Toast) you know very well that you're both Mormon and that your argument up above was silly. As for your argument up above saying to be 'more grateful', that was just as silly as 'tracu' made it out to be. You're just miffed that she caught you off guard and blew your comment out of the water and now you're trying the offensive tactic of trying to blow them out of the water right back. Fillibuster by spewing enough garbage and eventually you'll win the argument, eh? Come on sibling - we come from a family of arguers - bring up a REAL point rather than just trying to discredit others by taking one word out of their argument and twisting it.
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